The Right Reasons

     It's funny how the human works. We all want fame, we all want riches, we all want want the mansion with enough bedrooms for each day of the week. But life sets the odds against us. Very few of us chase our dreams, and an even smaller amount accomplish them. Life is setup to deal us a hand that we can either hold, or risk it all.We could be sitting pretty with a 19, but the chances that the dealer has a higher hand beating us into submission are extremely higher. What do we do? What choice do we choose? I think that most of us hold the hand, accepting something lesser than our dreams. There are a few of us though, where that isn't enough. We feel the need to risk it all for that 21, even if that means busting and walking away with nothing. We strive for that 21, for the right to stand up and scream, 'BLACKJACK'. But life isn't blackjack. Life is life. It favors the hard working, and what makes us work hard? What pushes us to work harder than what we thought we could? What makes us think that we can get that 21 to beat the dealer? Motivation
     We all know that motivation is the key to success, but then why don't more people succeed and accomplish their dreams? It is their source of motivation. It cannot be selfish. It has to come from someone or something else outside of the worker; a greater cause or calling. That something or someone else will drive the worker to push the limits on absolutely everything that stands in their way. It will grow inside the worker, turned them into a crazily obsessed madman that will only be satisfied when that thing has been obtained. In my case, it is someone.
     Yes I am young, and yes I am bat shit crazy, but I embrace it. I am frenzied now. I realize all my mistakes. There is no possible way to go back in time and fix them, so why waste time thinking about the 'ifs'. We cannot go back into the past, but we can embrace it. We can use it to prepare for the future and deal with the present. I realize the sorrow I feel is self inflicted, so I must stop it. Everyday I miss this person, and I realize that is my fault. It was my idea to separate. It absolutely fucking sucks knowing I caused this, but I cannot change it. Instead, I can use that energy and channel it to the product of something better. I apologized, but does that accomplish what I want to accomplish? Does this bring back the voice with the cutest damn accent I have ever heard, or the face that owned the most beautiful sparkling eyes I've known? No, and these eyes really did twinkle, that isn't a lie. It barely accomplishes anything, yet accomplishes so much. It doesn't make up for the fact that I let her down, but it was something. It was the first step in the direction to accomplishing. I have found my motivation and will not stop until I have made it up to her, hoping that I prove to her. Prove myself to her by proving myself to the entire world. I have found my Elisha Cuthbert, my Girl Next Door, and I will not stop until this is no longer a text, or needed to be said... until we are face to face.

"I'm sitting in the library and I just had to do this paper on the 'type of writer' I'd like to see myself as. And I put emotional because of your writing. I love when you write things because you have such a beautiful way with words that touches places in my heart that I never thought could be brought open and healed. When I read your blog yesterday I honestly sat in my room and cried. You mean so much to me. I can literally think of every time we've hung out. The clothes you were wearing. The scent you carried. The mood you were in. The way you held me. I remember the moments we stayed up late talking about life, and I remember many times I've fallen asleep on you. I remember the look on your face when I would brush my fingers through your hair. How relaxed you felt when I'd rub your back. The many times you trolled me, and waitied for me to show an expression on my face before you would grab me and kiss me softly. The day I cam over and didn't say a word but cried on your lap. And you knew exactly what was wrong. How I fet when you were next to me. Just two bare bodies together. The steamy affection we had. The look on your face when I bought you a pack of cigarettes that one time. The way you used to run your hands up and down my body with such gentleness and respect that it made me weak. The many, many, many, smiles you have put on my face. The many nights we have spent together. I could never possibly forget any of it"

And neither can I.